So when I got the chance to finally sleep in my own bed last week I thought I would get a more restful night. Not so. I barely eked out a few hours. Maybe it was the shift back to my inclined bed? Home 3 nghts, then off I went to 3 nights away again, with little more than 4 hours each night. Upon coming home Saturday afternoon, I went straight to bed and started sleeping in earnest about 6:30pm. Up at 1am or so for 4 hours, then back to bed for another 3. Last night was more normal -- bed by 1am, awake by 9am. Maybe I can get a normal sleep routine in place now?
An unexpected thing happened these past 2 nights: very memorable dreaming about the capable-me. Not the actual-me, but one who is a bit more advanced in recovery. The first night, I dreamed I was crossing the street at an intersection with my husband and the light started to turn. Without thinking, I ran the last few steps to make it to the other side.
Now, I am not running by any means, nor am I ready to cross intersections by myself walking. I can't look both ways (I would fall over, or at least that's what I assume because pre-treatment I couldn't do it). I can probably make it the distance OK now in a somewhat straight line, but watching for cars is a big fear of mine.
Now, I think this experience shaped my dream of 2 nights ago, where I happily ran the last few strides to cross a busy street. Getting sideswiped by a car while I'm a pedestrian is one of my biggest fears because I cannot watch them and watch the road/my feet at the same time.
Last night, my dream saw me crossing an intersection again. This time, I was with my husband and son David. They were behind me talking and I walked ahead alone. I crossed without incident and walked along the sidewalk. At some point, Landon started filming me because I was walking so well. I came across a path rising up a small hill. I walked up the steep path without difficulty, unaware that Landon was filming me. At the top, I turned to see where the two of them were and saw the camera. Landon challenged me to walk down the path...so I did.
This dream was probably prompted by my actual-me experience of yesterday, where I walked up quite a sloped lawn about 20 feet, spoke to someone for 10 minutes, then turned to walk back down the slope. I paused -- could I do it? Should I rest first by sitting on the lawn before attempting the walk? I decided to start walking down a sloped driveway adjacent to the lawn and quickly felt confident enough to walk the rest of the way on the sloped lawn and well beyond another 30 or so feet to the house. Obviously, my body is feeling I am overcoming my fear of walking down slopes and is dreaming of even more capable days ahead.
And so am I.